Circular paths

I went to the gym this morning, the first time in five weeks. I had not gone the last two weeks in March because I was scrambling to meet my March 31st deadlines, then I was on vacation for a week, walking every day to meet my exercise quotient. All that walking awoke something in my knee, which I have been babying the past two weeks. I got the knee X-Rayed, which showed no bone damage, so I decided to bite the bullet and head back to Larry the Elliptical.

The Wyoming Recreation Center is the former Gross YMCA, which was home to the YMCA run daycare center attended by my middle and youngest sons. Greg only went for one summer, but Kevin went for three years, progressing through their different rooms.

Since my last gym jaunt, all of the exercise equipment had been moved from the main floor, which was even during the YMCA days was always an exercise mecca, to the basement of the Rec Center, the former home of the daycare center. I had been down there a few times over the past six years since Wyoming purchased the building, to collect Kevin as he lounged in the teen room during my workouts, but nonetheless, the nostalgia hit me today as I wandered through the halls.

Kevin had started in the Blue Room, which still bears the same sign. I looked in the Muscle Room, once the home of tricycles and padded mats for tumbling, now used for yoga and aerobics classes. When Kevin was three, he moved down the hall to a little room now used for cycling classes. The main room, now home to Larry the Elliptical and all his friends, was reserved for the big kids, the five year olds preparing themselves for kindergarten.

I peered into the bathrooms. Gone were the tiny little toy toilets perfect for single digit bottoms, replaced by standard adult bathroom fare. No flower smiley faces graced the wall, no kid sized chairs and tables lined up in formation across the back, no cots for sleepy toddlers nestled in the corners. It was adults only now.

I was Mommy back then. I was the recipient of so many, countless actually, kisses and hugs and happy to see me faces. Arms wrapped around my knees, smudged faces adoring me, I was a Goddess who knew everything, a doctor who could fix anything, a genius engineer, an actress of the finest caliber, called upon frequently to read stories of far off lands and legends…a storyteller of spellbinding tales.

It’s hard to plummet from that pedestal. All parents do, eventually, and I suppose that’s a good thing.

My mother’s nursing home is still the home of Maple Knoll Montessori, the preschool attended by my two older boys. When I go visit my mother, I pass the door to the preschool, sometimes I even arrive to catch current toddlers lining up for an outside activity. Fifteen years later, and the children are still the same. Still learning to line up and conform, still learning personal space, still learning to silence their exuberance.

Some of us never learn.

What strikes me on these visits to my children’s memory playgrounds, is how clear the memories remain for me. The sponge of those thirsty little minds, absorbing so much of what happens unconsciously around them, soaking in the knowledge and experience, preparing them for life after preschool, in that big wide world out there.

I climbed on Larry and started to pedal. I could have sworn I heard Kevin’s three year old little voice yelling, “Watch me, Mommy!” I swiveled my head to look but it was only a middle aged woman like myself grunting through her time on the treadmill.

Can ghosts appear while one is still alive?

The ghosts of my children’s childhood. Fleeting. Powerful.

Omnipresent.

Goodbye to Love

Tears streamed down her face as she stared at the cell phone in her hand, his words reverberating in her head, the words of other lovers lost since her husband left her seven long years ago, chorusing in the background.

I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it

She fumbled for his wadded handkerchief she still kept in her purse, blowing her nose noisily and resolutely. Enough was enough. She dried her eyes, sighed her sighs, and climbed out of her car. Her youngest son bounded out of the house, bouncing the basketball, arching the orange sphere over her Mercedes, swooshing the net of the basketball hoop in the driveway. His eleven year old body paused to hug her.

“Hey Mom. What’s for dinner? I have a test for you to sign. Don’t forget.”

“What did you get on your test?” she replied brightly…too brightly, the tears still stuck in the back of her throat.

“A 94.” He grinned his toothy grin and swiped the basketball again.

She headed into the house, her heart still heavy with loss. Not of the man. He was a few fleeting moments only. Added to the others accumulated through the past couple years since her divorce, she staggered under the weight.

So I've made my mind up I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love.

Her oldest son lounged on the couch in the living room. “Mom, I need to talk to you. I need some advice. I’m pissed off that I’m making minimum wage at this job you got for me. I like the work, and I’m grateful for the job, but I think I should be making more. I’m worth more. What should I do?”

“Well, if I were in your situation, I’d say just what you said to me to your boss and then ask him what he needs you to do to be worthy of more money, and then do it. No demands. An inquiry…and then a follow up. A follow up by you because you need to do whatever it is he says you need to do to get the higher grade pay, and also a follow up with him once you do it so he lives up to what he says.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “You’re right. That’s a good tactic. Thanks, Mom.”

She headed to the kitchen, banged a few pots around, simmered ground beef with her homemade spaghetti sauce on the stove. Her middle son sauntered in.

“What are you cooking, Mom. It smells wonderful!”

“Just spaghetti, we’ll have green beans and applesauce with it, as usual.”

“I’ve missed your home cooking while you’ve been so busy at work, Mom.”

“And I’ve missed cooking for you boys, too, son.”

He gave her a little hug and headed back to his room. She breathed deeply into the scent and the sentiment.

There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for
Something I could live for.

One of the boys let the dog in, who headed straight for the kitchen. Lexi’s body contorted in giddy delight as she bent to caress Lexi’s golden fur. She took her dog’s face between her two hands, gently rubbing her silken ears and cooed her affection, smiling brown eyes loving smiling green eyes.

All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can

The phone rang and she reached for it with one hand, while she stirred the succulent mixture next to the bubbling pot of pasta.

“Hello?”

“Betty, it’s Meg. I have good news. I am going to try to come back to work on Monday. I’m going to start with just half a day at first, but I think I’m ready. I think I’m there. I’m feeling stronger.”

“That’s wonderful, Meg. We’ve missed you so much. I had been scratching my head trying to figure out how to get all this spring work done, and we have three big new clients! But more than that, I’ve missed my friend. It will be good to see you.”

Meg's voice broke. “Do you know how much I love you for being so understanding about this, about missing busy season? This is the worst thing I’ve ever been through and feel awful about putting you all through it with me.”

“Meg, sweetie, don’t think another thought about this. You were there for me when I melted four years ago. You were there for me, and I am honored to be able to return the favor. Makes for good karma.”

Meg laughed through her tears. “I know. I just had to remind you that I appreciate it.”

“I love you, too, Meg. Don’t forget that. This love thing is a two way street.” She smiled into the phone at her friend and business partner. “See you Monday.”

What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that I've been wrong
But for now this is my song.

After dinner, after discussing with her three sons the Imus debacle and comparing/contrasting his consequences with those of the Duke LaCrosse team, and debating what is and isn’t a sexist remark, she sat down at her computer to check her email. Her best guy friend had sent her a funny cartoon. A guy lover turned friend IM’d her just to ask about her day. Her sister forwarded her flight itinerary for their upcoming visit to the Queen City in July.

And it's goodbye to love
I'll say goodbye to love.

Lying in bed that night, listening to Karen Carpenter crooning her misery, she leaked a bit more of the ocean into her pillow. She thought of her empty heart…and then she thought again. Empty? She thought of the people who loved her; her sons, her friends, her sisters, her clients whose voices brightened noticeably when they heard her voice answer their hello. She was loved. And she deeply loved. Many people.

Maybe just a tiny piece was empty. Not the whole thing. Who did she think she was kidding? She wasn't going to say goodbye to love, she was simply going to broaden the definition.

Illumination swept over her. The warm blanket of gratitude enveloped her.

And at last, she slept.

Carpenters - Goodbye To Love

Pond Scum

I suppose I should explain this picture…because the pond looks pretty awful here. Understand that I just cleaned it, for the first time after a long and lonely winter. The spring sun had warmed the algae, which grew with abandon the first few weeks of sunshine in February and March. I scrubbed down the sides with a toilet brush, scooped out the debris with a long handled pool skimmer, which dribbled water onto my lap with each swipe and toss. I replaced the filters in both pumps and brought up the lone water plant that has survived these past three winters. Only one fish carcass, but the pond is still too murky to count how many escaped the critters. I know that the three big goldfish from the original batch are still alive and at two others from the group I purchased last fall. I found one of the creek minnows that Kevin “rescued”, aghast to find himself captured in the fine net of the pool skimmer.

I let the buttercups grow in the spring. I don’t get out the hoe or the Roundup until the blossoms have faded. I know they will take over the garden if I ignore them completely, but in the spring, I welcome their bright color and wanton disregard of order.

The last week was amazingly raucous and hectic. I didn’t get the gym even once. I was almost panicked that I wouldn’t get everything done before it was time to leave, but I was wrong. I left the office in good conscience, every audit filed electronically, every set of workpapers readied for processing, every tax return signed. I have only my own to worry about when I get home. :-)

I have been fussing a little about my vow of celibacy, but so far, so good. I had the closest thing to a date on Saturday, with my dancing friend, but when he hugged me good night, I was cool with it. I have a plethora of friends, male and female, and I am hoping to work on deepening those friendships over the next six months. When I feel like I just must have the company of a single man, I will call on Eric, or Aaron, or Stacy or Robert (although I’d hardly call him single anymore) or Tom or Jim or Jeff….or even Mickey. And when I feel the need to foxy myself up and hit the town (which I’ve never done as an adult, btw) I’ll call on Polly or Penny or Sally or Kim or some of my married friends like Jennifer or Michelle or Pat or Lorraine or Ellen. I’ll get by with a little help from my friends.

I’m sitting in a hotel lobby with Wi fi, my children still in blissful slumber upstairs. We played HARD yesterday, riding every ride at Universal Studios, somehow having picked a day with no lines. Today is a free day, everyone gets to do a little something. Cindy (my sister in law) and I are getting pedicures, Greg wants to go to Venice Beach, Kevin wants to find a GameStop or similar type store, Scott wants to visit the Staples Center across the street from the hotel. We have tickets to see a play later this evening, and Blades of Glory is playing down the street from our hotel. Tomorrow is Disneyland.

I’m working on two stories, I’ll post them when I’m done. In the meantime, keep the home fires stoked.