Telling Time

I have a date with Mid Week Rendezvous Guy tonight. What a whirlwind 48 hours. MWR Guy IM’d me Wednesday morning, wanted to know if I wanted to go see a movie or something on Friday, and wanted to know if Robert and Chris wanted to go with us. He’d met them both at the Rodney Crowell concert we went to last Friday. I was IMing him later to update him on the event and we started talking about…us. I have seen MWR Guy four times since we broke up in January, but had been talking with him, and flirting with him, online and on the telephone almost every day. Every time I saw him, my attraction grew stronger. He would tease me, and flirt, but I wasn’t sure how much was just in fun or if, perhaps he was feeling something else, too. We discussed my celibacy, once we even discussed getting a room, and when he asked if I had picked anyone for the end of my celibacy, he wrote PICK ME, PICK ME.

I told him, when we were chatting online, that I might want to be more than just friends, he freaked out. Told me he’d closed his heart to me. Said he was sorry. Wanted to be just friends. Hurt my feelings. I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, he had left me an offline IM, asking me to talk to him on the phone. I answered that I needed a few days to process and get over my hurt before I talked to him. After I got back from the gym, he’d answered and asked me again to please talk to him. I called him, and he simply reiterated how sorry he was to have hurt my feelings. I told him again, that I didn’t want to talk about it and that I needed a few days to get over it. He apologized if he had lead me on. But didn’t change his mind.

After I hung up, I got angry. He had led me on! He had flirted outrageously with me, for someone who was not interested. I wrote the following email to him.

You DID mislead me, dang it. You said, PICK ME, PICK ME, in all caps when we were joking about my six months of celibacy. I've been struggling with romantic feelings for you since May, since the first time I saw you after our breakup. I didn't say anything because you were involved with other people, first the woman you dated after me, and then your on again/off again girlfriend of four years. I wasn’t certain about my feelings either, the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you again.

But when you said, PICK ME, PICK ME....and then you asked me out just a week after seeing me, after we talked about kissing, I let my guard down.

Damn you and your new body anyway.

I think I'm actually angry about this! That's a break through! I almost never express my anger at men! Thanks!

I think.

Give me a couple weeks to get over this. You were man enough to overcome your hurt, and I'm sure I'm woman enough to overcome my heart.

Betty

He sends me an IM a few minutes later. “Maybe I don’t want you to get over it.” And, we took it from there. Discussed all kinds of things. Outlined our reservations about renewing our relationship. Talked about how important our friendship was, how we needed to salvage the friendship at all cost, how we needed to take it slowly, slowly, how he is still in love with his old girlfriend, but recognizes it as an unhealthy relationship. I acknowledge the possibility that this may just be a thrill of the chase reaction on my part, and should he succumb, I may reject him again.

God, I hope not.

I am ecstatic about seeing him. I have had to look at him, without touching, for the past four months. I have wanted to touch him so bad, wanted to kiss him. Wanted him to reach for me and slam me up against the side of the car and ravage me, every time I’ve seen him.

He hasn’t.

He has simply hugged me tightly goodbye, and taken his leave.

I have thought it through. I have considered his strengths and weaknesses. I have made the list of pros and cons, and the pros significantly outweigh the cons. He is a good man. A loyal man. A man I think I could trust. A man I want very much to love. A man who could love me back the way I want to be loved.

Time will tell.

Starting tonight.

PS. The evening was wonderful. Slowly, Betty, slowly....

August 1, 2007 pond picture

I know, the Elephant ear plants are wilted...but that is the reality of this summer. Hot, dry and wilted.

I thought you might like a pic of the actual pond and waterfall, though...it looks cool and refreshing, and you can even see the goldfish flashing their brilliant hues.